


Cosmopolitan

by Melisande



Series: Cosmopolitan Series [1]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Alternate Universe, Future Fic, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-11-09
Updated: 2010-11-09
Packaged: 2017-10-13 03:34:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/132384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melisande/pseuds/Melisande
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lois gives Clark advice over cocktails.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cosmopolitan

**Author's Note:**

> AU - Clark gets drunk. This is not the Lois of Smallville. Thanks and hugs to Alisanne for the beta and to VL for the cheers.

"Yes, okay, yes!" Clark realized he was yelling and lowered his voice. "Yes, I have a crush on Lex!" He looked down and began to tear his cocktail napkin into tiny pieces. "So what? Why are you pushing this so hard, Lois?"

"Because I can't stand to see you moping around all the time. And because you'll do better work if you get laid once in a while. I know I do." She flashed a smile at the dazzled bartender as he delivered their new drinks.

Sure, easy for her to say. Do. Whatever. Clark stared morosely at his new drink before gulping down half of it. They were going down easier now.

"He's not interested. In me. In men. I mean, he's been married four times!" Oops, that was kind of loud. "He's straight!" he whispered, the "s" giving him some trouble.

"Ha!" she declared. "Lex Luthor, straight! Ha!"

"That's all you have to say?" Clark asked hopefully. Not much chance of that, but maybe the six or eight drinks she'd had were beginning to affect her. He was feeling whirly, himself. Lois looked as if she could attend the Inaugural Ball, seduce the guest of honor, and type up the story afterwards.

"Look, Kent, I saw you and Luthor together, remember?"

She poked him in the chest with a long crimson fingernail. He struggled to keep from falling over backwards. Yes, he remembered. It had been on Wednesday at the opening of the Lillian Luthor wing at the art museum. He and Lois had been covering it, much to Lois's disgust and Clark's uncomfortable delight. Lex had come over to talk with them after his speech. He'd been wearing a mauve shirt that complemented his changeable blue eyes and fit his lean, muscular body perfectly.

"We're friends, Lois," Clark tried again. "Old friends. We don't see each other much anymore." He started to choke up at this thought. It was so sad that he and Lex had drifted apart. They'd been so good together.

"Oh, jeez, Smallville," Lois said, rolling her eyes, then leaning forward to pat his arm. "It'll be fine. Let's take it one step at a time." She sipped her Cosmopolitan, narrowing her eyes. Clark could almost hear her thinking. She was like Lex that way. And in the way she was giving this her full attention. He knew he'd never get her off this subject so he decided to go along with her. As if he had any choice.

"Okay," he said agreeably. "Take what one step at a time?"

"Seducing Lex," she said matter of factly. "Can I have your cherry? Or did Lex get it back in Smallville, Smallville?" She snickered. Maybe she wasn't as immune to alcohol as he'd thought.

"Sure," he replied after she'd nabbed the cherry. "And, NO! It wasn't like that. We were friends. Best friends. But that's all." Dammit. He'd tried hard enough - heh - to move the friendship to something more, but Lex had just flirted back, like he did with everyone. Lex hadn't been interested in him as a man. Clark sucked on his straw, remembering Lex with a bottle of Ty Nant. He sighed.

"I'd offer you a penny for your thoughts, but it'd be a waste of money, because I know what you're thinking," Lois said, leering at him.

"I am not!" he exclaimed indignantly. "I was thinking about the beginning. It's a long story. I was fifteen, and..."

"Clark, I'd love to hear that story sometime. Love to." She had that scary gleam in her eye. "But not right now. Let's get back on topic."

Topic?

"Seducing Lex," she said as if she'd heard his thought. "It'll be easy, Clark."

"It will?" he asked, feeling a glimmer of hope. She sounded so sure of it.

"Yes, it will," she said, patting his arm again. He believed her. Lois never lied to him about important things. But wait!

"Who said I wanted to have wild, passionate, life-changing sex with Lex Luthor, anyway?" Clark demanded. He picked up his drink and glared at her over the rim. He was sure he hadn't said anything about having sex with Lex. Oops, bad thought. Now the phrase "sex with Lex, sex with Lex" was running over and over in his stupid alien brain, which didn't have room for anything else. "Sex with Leeeeeeex....."

Lois raised an eyebrow at him. He hated that she could do that and he couldn't. All these abilities, and what did they matter against an eyebrow? Nothing. The eyebrow won every time.

"Clark," Lois said, trying to look him in the eye, he knew. He was still focused on her eyebrow. How did she do that? He wrinkled his forehead, trying to duplicate it. Both eyebrows went up, then down. Dammit. He tried again. "Clark, you didn't have to say it."

Say what?

"I saw you together," Lois repeated, as if clinching an argument that Clark had forgotten.

"So what?" he asked defensively, though he didn't know exactly what he was defending. But Lois was attacking, so he'd defend.

"So," she said, breaking off to smile at the bartender as he delivered fresh drinks, then resuming, "you didn't have to say that you wanted - what was your phrase? Hot sweaty man sex with Lex Luthor."

Clark was pretty sure that hadn't been his phrase, but it was a good phrase nonetheless. Lois had a way with words.

"But, Lois," he said, hearing the annoying whine in his voice, but unable to help it, "Lex is straight." He remembered that he'd been denying that he wanted to get naked with Lex and decided to give Lois that one. What the hell. He'd finally quit denying it to himself, Lois might as well join the party.

"Sweetie, he's not straight. Okay?" she said in a soothing voice.

Clark immediately felt better. Lois was his friend, Lois knew things, Lois was the best. He told her so. She nodded, agreeing, as she slammed back her drink. Damn, he should have known better than to drink with Lois. She could drink Perry under the table, let alone Clark. He never even drank, except once in a while when he'd treat himself to a glass of scotch, which he hated. But the scotch had sentimental value. Because Lex used to.... Lex. They'd been talking about Lex. Who wasn't straight? But if that was the case, then...

"He just didn't want me." Clark refrained from putting his head down on the bar only because of his ingrained dislike of drawing attention to himself. He took another gulp of his drink instead. Lex didn't want him. He knew that, it shouldn't hurt so much to think it again. The fact that Lex was bi didn't change the fact. Well, it made it worse. But didn't change it.

"Clark," Lois said in that soft, uncharacteristic voice. He looked up from his contemplation of the mysterious pink drink.

"I'm fine!" he asserted.

"No, you're not, but we're going to make you fine, okay? We just have to figure this out." She pulled out her pen and began to write on a cocktail napkin. "One, get his attention. Done. Two, let him know that you're interested. That we have to work on." She chewed the end of the pen pensively.

"Maybe I could ask him out?" Clark said, getting into the spirit.

"That might work," Lois said, "for a start. Yes, ask him to dinner." She made a note on the napkin. "Is there anywhere that might have special meaning for the two of you?"

A bridge. The Talon. His loft. His mother's kitchen. Lex's pool room. Lex's car. A cornfield at night. His dorm room. Lex's penthouse. Round Table. Everywhere they'd ever been together had special meaning. He smiled to himself as he thought of them together in all those places, of Lex smirking or smiling or looking up at him ....

"Maybe by a river?"

"Good," Lois said, making a note on the napkin. "Chez Henri is by the river and it's a good restaurant, dark, intimate." She winked at him and he grinned back. This felt good, making a plan. Plans were good. He was glad Lois was making notes because he wanted to, notes being good also, but he was pretty sure he couldn't handle a pen and napkin at this point. "Okay, ask him to dinner at Chez Henri."

"What if he says no?" Clark asked, suddenly panic stricken.

"Sweetie, he'll jump at the chance. Just take my word for it." She stared into his eyes, looking a little cross-eyed. She seemed very sure about this and Clark decided she must have a reason. She always did. He nodded, feeling hypnotized by her only slightly wavering gaze.

"But then what?" he asked.

"We'll get to that later. First, we have to figure out what you're going to wear." She wrote on the napkin and underlined what she'd written. "Do you still have those black pants you wore to the Christmas party?"

Yes, he still had them, stuffed into the back of his closet because he had trouble throwing things out. They'd been Evan's Christmas gift to him and he'd felt obliged to wear them, though he'd resisted all of Evan's other attempts to dress him. He wasn't a damn doll. He and Evan had lasted only about six weeks. It was his longest relationship to date. Maybe there was something wrong with him, besides being an alien, that is. Maybe he wasn't meant to...

"Black pants." Lois poked him again.

Recovering his balance, he muttered, "Yes," then gulped some more of his drink. It was really good: sweet, fruity. He drank again. Yum.

"And that green turtleneck I gave you, and as for shoes..." she looked down at his feet and sighed. "You have black loafers, right? Wear those." She wrote something down. "Boxers or briefs?" she asked in a businesslike tone.

"Boxers," he replied automatically, then glared at her. "Lois!"

"What do you think Luthor wears?" she asked, a wicked gleam in her eye. "I'm betting he wears silk boxer briefs. Purple, probably. Or maybe black."

"I'll bet he doesn't wear underwear," Clark heard his mouth saying.

"Done," Lois said before he had time to contemplate that image properly. She held out her hand and he shook it. "One favor." He and Lois always bet for favors and it had gotten him into a lot of dangerous and/or ridiculous situations when he lost. On the other hand, he'd been able to call in his favors when he needed her to cover for him at work with no questions asked. It worked out.

"Hm." Lois read her napkin and pulled another one from the pile. "You have to let him know this isn't just a friendly dinner. Lean close, look at him as if he's the sun and the moon and the stars, touch him a lot." She wrote.

"I.... touch him?" Clark stammered. He could manage the look, no problem, and he could lean close, too, he'd done it before, but, but....

"Touch his arm, maybe straighten his tie and let your fingers linger on his neck for a second, hell, Clark, just let your body do the thinking for you on this. It's smarter."

His body right now was busily thinking, if that was the right word, about touching Lex. It liked the idea. A lot. He shifted on his barstool. Lois was probably right about this, too. If he tried to think about it he'd get all tangled up and fall over his stupid thoughts, but maybe if he just let it flow he could do it. Yes, he could. He had all kinds of ideas about what he'd do with Lex right now. Too bad Lex wasn't here. No, that was good because they hadn't finished the plan.

"What else?" he asked, wanting to be sure he knew all the details, although he felt as if he had the basics down.

"Uh," Lois said. She waved her hand in the air. "More drinks!" she said. "And, let's see." She studied her notes. "You know, Clark, I really think the two of you can take it from there." She picked up her new drink and licked the rim suggestively. "You know?"

"Yeah, I know," he agreed, licking his own straw and then giggling. Yeah, they could take it from there. He knew what he wanted. All he had to do was let Lex know that. It'd be easy.

"The hardest part of doing anything is beginning it," Lois said, suddenly solemn. "So I think you should call him right now." She held out her cell phone. "Ask him out for tomorrow."

"Good idea," he agreed, taking it and punching in Lex's number. He listened to it ring. It was a sexy ring.

"Hello?" Lex said in a sleepy voice, startling Clark.

"I, uh, Lex? Hi, Lex! It's Clark!"

"Clark," Lex said. Clark heard rustling noises. "Clark." Lex sounded less sleepy now. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, Lex, everything is great!" He just wished Lex was here now. He was about to suggest it when Lex said,

"It's two a.m., Clark, and you're calling me for the first time in six months. I assumed that you needed my help." Was Lex sounding a little grumpy? Was Lex mad at him? Oh, no! He had to say something....

"I'm sorry if I woke you, Lex. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. It's been too long. I miss you. We used to have so much fun together."

"Clark," Lex said, now sounding amused, irritated, and impossibly sexy all at the same time, "are you drunk?"

Lois was holding a napkin in front of his face. It said "ASK HIM OUT! GET OFF THE PHONE!"

"Maybe a little. But hey, I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with me tomorrow? We could catch up." And then have lots and lots of sex.

"Dinner? Tomorrow?"

"Yes, please Lex." He put on his eager puppy face, then remembered that Lex couldn't see him. Damn, and it always worked so well, too.

"I, ... okay, sure, Clark, tomorrow. I'll come by your place at seven."

"Yes! See you then! Bye!"

He turned to Lois and pumped his fist in the air, yelling, "Yes! He said yes!" He threw his arms around her and they nearly fell over. She patted his back before pulling away, taking the cell phone from him, and turning it off.

"Of course he did, Clark. I tell you, this is going to be easy."

"Last call," the bartender said, suddenly appearing before them. "One more round?"

"No, thank you," Lois said, pushing her empty glass away. "We just need the check. My work here is done."


End file.
